Rightwingers Say the Darnedest Things

"I've decided to "identify" as Chinese. Coke will like me, Delta will agree with my "values" and I'll probably get shoes from Nike & tickets to @MLB games. Ain't America great?"

That was Mike Huckabee's contribution to the conversation this week. Also this week, Fox launched a new show attempting humor. It's embarrassing to watch.

See, this is the problem with conservative humor. I am pretty sure that someone who calls themselves a comedian can book a gig, with a little understanding of the biz, regardless of their political leaning. I don't think agents or venue owners ask you what party you belong to. If you can fill the house, if people will buy tickets and maybe dinner and/or a few drinks, it doesn't matter what you talk about in your act. Controversy is actually a plus, somebody who can make good jokes about something sensitive can do well in comedy.

And yet ... there are no conservative comedians. Yeah, Dennis Miller can spew a stream of impressive-sounding verbiage in a condescending tone of voice, but that's as close as they get. If you haven't seen him, find the Russian propaganda site RT and check him out, he's got a show there. I don't recommend this Fox trainwreck, which I doubt will last. Conservative humor is not humor, it is usually a form of bullying or mocking.

Huckabee put "identify" in quotes, indicating that it is not really a thing. Conservatives think everybody has an identity except themselves. Huckabee for instance does not see himself as "identifying" as a white person, because everybody he associates with is white. He doesn't have to think about it, it's a given, normal people are white, as far as he knows. He doesn't have to "identify" as heterosexual because everybody he knows is straight -- as far as he knows. This is why rightwingers think everybody else is engaging in "identity politics," and not them.

People do identify as something. We live in social units and we know which social units we are part of and which ones we are not part of. We don't decide to "identify" with a group. And yet that is Huckabee's "joke." (By the way, I am enjoying this gratuitous misapplication of quotations marks through my text, following and satirizing his "lead.") Somebody does not decide to identify as Chinese. If your family came from China, or if you came from China, you identify as Chinese. You might not say it that way, you might say "I am Chinese," it's the same thing. That's how it works. You can argue about whether it really matters where somebody's family is from, but basically every single person can tell you what ethnic group they identify with, even if it's some poorly-defined racial category like "white" or "Black" or there is more than one group -- you don't just have one identity. You can be Chinese and American, too. And gay, or straight. You know what kind of person you are.

The dig, "identify" in quotes, is understood by Huckabee's readers as mockery of gay and transgender people. The "joke" is that gay and trans people "choose" to have a gender "identity" or sexual "orientation" that someone like Huckabee doesn't "understand." But identifying does not mean you decide to be something, it means you are something. A trans man does not decide to be a man, he is someone who knows he is a man, the same as other men know what they are. You don't decide to identify as straight or gay, you might choose to conceal the truth but you know who you are.

Huckabee's statement not only reveals that he 1.does not have a sense of humor and 2.doesn't understand what identity is, but by publishing this idiotic comment on Twitter he is announcing that he is coming out as someone who actually identifies as an ignorant person.

The previous president cultivated hatred for Asians, in particular the Chinese, partly to blame them for his failure with the coronavirus pandemic. As a result, America is seeing a wave of random racist violence against Asian people. Many of us would like to see people walking safely on the street and do not think you should have to live in fear because your ancestors came from a certain continent. So we are looking out for our Asian neighbors. Huckabee seems to think this is some kind of special treatment, companies are giving Chinese people special deals, treating them special. Really, we are just looking out for people who are vulnerable through no fault of their own. If a Chinese company is engaging in unfair business practices, then they will be dealt with; Chinese spies will be prosecuted. But your average Asian person walking down the street should feel safe and should know we've got their back.

Huckabee puts "values" in quotes too, and I have to admit I do not know what that's about. I had thought that Republicans claimed "values" as one of their own advertising slogans, remember when they used to call themselves "values voters?" I guess they've canceled that.

And he ends his tweet with "Ain't America great?" The strangeness of this is bottomless. Yes, actually America is pretty great. When somebody is treated unfairly here, Americans rally around them and protect them. We do not like for people to be beaten up on the street simply because they have Asian features, or African features, or do not seem to fit neatly into a simple two-by-two sexual-identity category schema. First of all he sets up a ridiculous proposition, that by claiming to "identify" as Chinese he will be treated differently, which wouldn't happen, partly because he is not Chinese and partly because Chinese people don't get any special treatment. And then says ain't we great? America is supposed to be ironically great for giving Chinese people like him special deals on tennis shoes and baseball tickets.

This is why there are no conservative comedians. This is what they consider to be "funny." Of course part of the joke is that people like me will take the time to respond to it, aka "owning the libs," but I don't care, I think the world deserves to be taken seriously. I do not want my society to degenerate into a bunch of rude people making nihilistic attempts at irony and then laughing because somebody takes it seriously. Irony is fine, it has its place, but you have to know what you believe before you can make fun of it, and I do not believe there is any coherent belief system behind these idiotic words of Huckabee's. What do Huckabee and today's conservatives stand for? Nothing. They stand for white people's values being applied indiscriminately to everyone, not because they are superior values but because they don't know any better.

[Note, 4/9: Fox News' "comedy" show has already been canceled, after three episodes.]